TMST enthusiastically presents...

November the 11th, 2002.

Welcome to the This Strife Dating Gameshow!
Let's introduce those more-than-eligible bachelors...

{EDF} Cholerae: Suicidal rodent by day, trenchcoat-wearing, grave-robbing Goth by night, Cholerae's open, caring, and sensitive personality mixes rather unfortunately with his inexplicable curse for being caught in the middle of flamewars. Also an artist, he recently unveiled a work of art that was auctioned for Euro$40,000. He enjoys darkness, insanity, long walks in the graveyard, and not being mistaken for a German. Ja, dat is zo.

Alon: Alon's hilarious antics never cease to entertain his fellow Strifelings. His hobbies include forum-spamming, installing holes in houses, and being dragged away by the men in white coats. Fluent in several sexy foreign languages - including l33tspeak - it is likely that Alon may someday end up as an international diplomat for the UN. He prefers his women two-dimensional and provided to him by members of the mollusc monarchy, but is willing to make exceptions tonight.

Samurai Swashbuckler: Sam - or "Swashaz" to his comrades - is a mischievous little Canadian character. Although he has successfuly offended almost every member of the Strife Clan and has even caused a number of EDF members to defect, his lovable heart of gold ensures that he soon wins his friends back again, regardless of how cross with him they may have been. With his chubby little cheeks, cherubic grin, and elfish ears, it is hard to stay angry at him for long - especially when he bats his big, puppy-dog eyelids. Awwww.

Sir Maverick of Strife: Although Sir Maverick - or "Massive Mav" to those who are one rank below him - exudes an air of superiority verging on aloofness (what with his great big plasma-cannon, hulking, muscular form, and souped-up speed-racer vehicle), it is a little-known fact that he is actually a modest - even bashful - bloke who enjoys the simple pleasures in life, such as computer programming, watching Eastenders, and battling horrifying nightmare-aliens from post-apocalyptic parallel universes of pure evil. When he grows up he hopes to see DNF be released before he suffers arthritis and is unable to play another computer game ever again.

Adereth/Ikosauhaedron: As Adereth/Ikosauhaedron's impressively long name would imply, he is an impressively long man, if ya know what I mean. Furthermore, Adereth/Ikosauhaedron is a bit of a mouthful in more ways than one - wink wink nudge nudge. Ever the envy of men from all over the locker room, he modestly shunned the limelight that his near-legendary measurements brought him and nowadays instead engages in conversations with people on ICQ, who aren't instantly overpowered by inferiority complexes or convulsions of carnal lust when they meet him. His favourite colour is blue and he likes ketchup.

[Labrat] Trasher: Tall, dark, handsome, ever the selfless hero, Superman is despised by Trasher, who is short, albino, ugly, and always trying to exploit people for personal gain. For some reason, however, this does not detract from Trasher's razor-sharp wit and irresistable charm. As well as having founded the Institute Of All Knowledge Ever, he claims that in a past life he was Skippy the Cornflake Kangaroo, and likes his women quadrupedal and woolly. Fair dinkum, mate. Burrrrp.

King Sluggy: Abandoned by his mollusc parents and raised by Gnosticene Monks on an alien planet, Sluggy was taught the martial arts of the Gnosticene Ancients from an early age. However, on the fateful day of his own coronation, shortly after signing the register, he realised that the quill with which he had signed could be used to draw comics. The Slug monarchy soon crumbled and fell to the might of the Licks, as King Sluggy spent all day drawing cartoon strips and pictures of sexy ladies for his minions. These days, he owns a quiet souvenir shop in New Zealand and reminisces about the good old days. Did I mention that he is very, very rich? He's so rich that he throws twenty dollar notes into the street at random intervals. Legend has it that he gets his money from evil ninjas who mug people on the mean streets of New York. Yep, Sluggy's filthy stinking rich all right. That's about all he has going for him tonight.

Scoop G, Hazuki Style: Scoop G, or Hazuki, as he is oft-referred to, is one bad-ass mofo whom you would not want to mess with in a dark alley (or in a bright, sunny meadow for that matter). Trained in the ancient ways of the L33tmasters, Hazuki has sworn to use his powers solely for the protection and pleasuring of "teh sexay ladyz". He's so bad-ass, he'd start a flamewar just to light one of the enormous, phallic Cuban cigars that he carries with him at all times. He enjoys being ph34red for his n3kkid l33t $killz, and he hopes to someday PWN J00.

El Phuel: As his name implies, El Phuel is a womanising Latin-American stereotype pimp daddy who sometimes appears in other people's Gangsta Rappa music videos just to make the artist look as though they have connections to womanising Latin-American stereotype pimp daddies who sometimes appear in other people's Gangsta Rappa music videos just to make the artist look as though they have connections to womanising Latin-American stereotype pimp daddies who sometimes appear in other people's Gangsta Rappa music videos... His fantasies include being an intergalactic drug dealer, being a superhero, and Jennifer Lopez and Shakira wrestling, naked, in a tub of grape jell-o. Oooohyeah.

Xeryus: Formerly a red-and-blue skin-tight spandex-wearing superhero, Xeryus left the Saving-The-World-From-Sinister-Supervillains scene to pursue a career as a Gangsta Rappa who co-stars in music videos with El Phuel. His hobbies include Gangsta Rappin' in da house, driving down the street in his red convertible with all his homies pretending to be one-handedly turning a steering wheel, calling people "dog" and/or "bitch", and asking people what is up their ni***rs and who their daddies are.

Pun-Man: Once among the greatest of crime-fighting superheroes in the world, Pun-Man dropped out the Academy of Superheroism and Sidekickery to begin a family. Marital bliss lasted for about 13 years, until constant torment from a certain lemming drove him over the edge and caused him to lose control over his punny powers. While Pun-Man was recuperating at the Punny Farm, his wife - formerly a porn-star superhero - sent their only son, Edward, to boarding school and ran off with another man. This tragic backstory of Pun-Man's life is not expected to result in him becoming a revenge-bent supervillain or anything, but you never know...

Mosquito: Formerly an uber-l33t EDF secret agent, Mosquito left the force during his mid-life crisis when he roved off into the faraway mountains to find himself, ironically. While on this journey of self-discovery and personal growth (heh-heh), he met a mysterious little gnome who was trapped underneath a cactus. The gnome offered Mosquito three wishes if he would lift the cactus, so Mosquito obliged. The gnome kicked Mosquito in the seat of the pants and chortled "Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me." These days, Mosquito leads a normal life, wearing baggy trousers around his knees, and oversized hooded sweaters so that we can't see his boxer shorts, a style of fashion which he claims gives him "mondo street cred". These clothes are manufactured by his unholy army of gibbons who work in his underground clothing sweatshop. His favourite colour isn't purple, and he can easily count past fourteen.

Hancode: Hancode - or "Hankie" to the ladies - is pure evil. Born as a siamese twin to Britney Spears and seperated fifteen minutes after removal from a space-marine's chest by a caesarian section, Hancode proceded to disembowel one of the doctors who was present and feast on the succulent, succulent internal fluids that geysered forth from ruptured organ and punctured vein. He then scuttled out of the hospital, mauling several patients and staff on the way out, and vanished into the woods behind the ol' 'Mingo place. Some folks say that on moonless days like today, you can hear ol' Hankie scuttling around in the woods, disembowelling doctors and vowing to kill Britney Spears, which is not necessarily such a bad thing. His favourite number is 8000.

Antila: Part man, part woman, part robot, Antila isn't really a whole anything. Instead, (s)he is like some kind of middle-ground conglomerate being; a perverse attempt to combine every aspect of humanity and roboticity into one Frankenstein's Monster. The upside to this is that there is something for everyone in Antila, and therefore everyone should take the time to sample that little part of the patchwork-being that is just for them. (S)He comes with his/her own internal cold fusion unit, which only requires the heat of passionate, animal lust to function. (The word "animal" is used metaphorically here.)

WernoMegatherium: Wegs, as he perfers to hear women scream at the pinnacle of orgasm, is a no-nonsense policeman who has been bringing injustice to criminals since the year 1997. His rationale for dispensing injustice with an iron hoof is that "criminals don't deserve justice, they deserve a mighty ass-whuppin'!" He enjoys striking down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, quoting Pulp Fiction, pop-tarts, and being Welsh. Some of you may already know him from when he starred on "Who Wants To Be An Uber-Mutant?" earlier this year.

Tom Cat: All this fella needs to be happy in life is a gun in one paw, and woman in the other, and food in his belly. He enjoys baiting the emotionally insecure so that they make fools of themselves in public, pushing little old ladies down staircases while giggling at the chaos that ensues, and blowing spitballs at people in comas. A double agent for the EDF and the US Space Marines, Tom hopes to someday be rich enough to arrange a boxing match between their respective Holinesses the Pope and the Dalai Lama. Catch him if you can... 'cause if you can't, he'll catch you! He's Tom Cat!

Killer Carlin: Life is a sitcom when you're Killer Carlin. Wherever he goes, whacky mayhem and hilarious misfortune ensue. He currently lives in a New York apartment with five other people who have whacky but humorous quirks, one of whom is gay, another of whom is ethnic, another is Jewish, another is Black, and another is sarcastic and has a silly name. Carlin enjoys reminiscing once a year about the hilarity that oft befalls him, going over the highlights of the sitcom series that is his life. He is followed by a group of people who hide from his sight and provide canned laughter and/or music whenever something crazy happens. So if you enjoy sitcoms, you should star in Carlin's very own real-life series, "My Whacky Life", the new season of which is about to start this Summer! In the new season, Carlin's best friend (a divorced Catholic lesbian) dies in an hilarious bus accident!

Flamingo: Flamingo's birth is suspected to be the result of the unholy union of an experimental lab-elf from Canada and a slug, but nobody can tell for sure. He likes to watch his favourite sitcom, "My Whacky Life", followed by "Who Wants To Be An Uber-Mutant?" while devouring a big bucket-o-pop-tarts lightly seasoned with seasoning. Once, he found a twenty dollar note in the street and used it to buy baggy clothes that were manufactured by an unholy army of gibbons. However, still dissatisfied with his image, he attended the Institute Of All Knowledge Ever and attained a double degree in Psychology and Biomechanics, the certificates for which were attached by a paperclip that turned evil after being struck by lightning and had to be dragged away by men in white coats. After being kicked out of his position as "head shrink" at the Punny Farm (for holding a position that was also a pun) he took up olympic swimming, but soon gave that up when he realised that he wasn't the "biggest" man in the locker room. Turning to a life of evil - as one typically does upon acquiring an inferiority complex - he successfully brainwashed a number of superheroes into believing that they were Gangsta Rappas, and he even dabbled in a little drug-dealing alongside the notorious El Phuel. This business relationship turned sour, however, and so Flamingo attempted to create a cyborg clone of El Phuel. The result was a disaster; an ungodly chimera of man, woman, robot and all sorts of other bits and pieces, that escaped from his basement and ransacked his entire house before running off into the woods. The EDF was called in to destroy the cyborg, but due to the somewhat suicidal strategy of one of the EDF's members, the rest of the platoon met with horrifying disaster at the hands of the beast. Abandoning his ransacked house, Flamingo moved to New York and took up Hazuki-style self defense after being mugged by a ninja in a dark alleyway, and again later in a bright, sunny meadow. It was about this time that one of the (all-male) platoon that were attacked in the woods behind Flamingo's ransacked house gave birth to siamese twin nightmare-creatures of pure evil, whom, it is suspected, originated from a post-apocalyptic parallel universe whose very fabric may have been tampered with by persons in our own universe, thereby allowing these evil siamese twins to pass from their realm into our own, with potentially disasterous consequences. Flamingo claims to have no connection to any of the other Strifelings here tonight, and feels a bit left out. Awwwww. His favourite number is pi to eighteen decimal places.

Did I leave anyone out? Probably. Well, stay tuned for the next batch of contestants.

-King Sluggy (AKA "Too Much Spare Time", in non-Keen related environments.)

The EDF-Mosquitofish

Thought patterns: N/A - Mosquitos can't think, they don't have brains - only "nerve-knots"!