But where is DNF heading, will it ever be released? To answer these questions, This Strife tracked down Todd Replogle, the only man who could explain the method to 3Drealms madness.

Todd, many people must be wondering, just why is DNF taking so long? Are
you guys working on the game, or just playing games all day?

There's plenty to do in an office full of sweaty guys lurking in dark
corners. We spend much of our evenings praying for the Holy One to shower
us with riches and women and such, while dreaming of them wonderful things
during the day as we sleep.

Just why did you switch from the Quake2 engine to Unreal, was it just for
the hell of it?

Yes, that's exactly right. For the hell of it. We thought id software had
too much of a monopoly on Hell, so we decided to shift our focus away from
sin and gravitate towards a Jesus-friendly coding style.

We've all heard the rumours about the game featuring STOPID
functionallty. Just what does this stand for, and more importantly, what
does it do?

I misspelled the word "stupoid."

What main features about DNF will make it stand apart from every other
game on the market?

There are several new brilliant and exciting features!

Duke Nukem has full use of his hands with the aid of a creative user
interface device, or CUID implementation. He now has the ability to
construct and deconstruct multiple items with nearly an infinite number of
possible uses, just like in real life! Duke's construction abilities are
limited if he looses an arm, worse if he lacks a makeshift cauterizing tool
and gauze.

Like its predecessor DNF will be a multiplayer game only, lacking any
substancial enemy artificial intelligence. The .CON files are used only to
record Duke's criminal history.

In episode two Duke Nukem can silence a group of tense critics with a
flame thrower after he admits to having more than one homosexual thought.

Part of Duke's inventory can include variable length hemp rope.

Episode four has many secret rooms Duke can accidently stumble into. One
hidden area leads to the bowels of an Internal Revenue Service office. A
collections officer wearing an eyepatch recognizes him immediately and
discovers he hasn't filed or paid income taxes since his debut. Duke's
excuse for his lack of obedience is that the government can easily "pirate"
more currency, and doesn't need any of his.

DNF incorporates a revolutionary new realtime natural behavior physics
engine technology, or the NBPET. We're still trying very hard to come up
with a catchy acronym. This amazing bit of code gives the user a more
realistic gaming experience, and allows developers to say big words to
gullible publicly owned software distributors.

Not only can Duke drive vehicles in DNF, his half sister Bombshell Jill
can get out and loosen a lugnut.

Long after DNF ships, and becomes a part of the history books, an aging
Duke Nukem's next series of adventures is titled "Duke Nukem 5: Loan
Officer" where he's promoted from being a security guard at an insolvent
regional bank.

All the standard first person shooter weapons being ditched for
non-leathal weapons? This is what one industry source has been quoted as
saying, is it true?

It's partially true I think. Unloaded weapons can be used to beat small
defenseless animals.

With the big success of the Gameboy Advance, 2D titles have never been so
popular. Will DNF evolve past a 3D game, back into being a 2D sidescroller?

DNF is a 3D game? The next series of Duke Nukem games for the Gameboy
Advance will use our advanced 3.5D sidescrolling engine. I cannot
elaborate because the concept is highly confidential, top secret, big time
money making disco dancing Ferrari type stuff, and is still in the earily
stages of development.

Thank you Todd.
Can we trust the word of someone who has admitted to * attacking dogs in the street? (*This fact has been made up) Then you'll have to excuse this hardened critic if I say Yes, but is the testimoney of one man enough?